The Three Counties Show Incident

Your long read…
“The Three Counties Showground Incident’”
by Geoff Buys Cars

As some of you know, I volunteered to help our local primary school chaperone three classes of children on a visit to the Three Counties Show.

Here’s what went down…

The head teacher asked if I had four spare seats, to which I cooly replied ‘no, I have six… five in the car and two in the boot… it’s a Volvo, you know, the old fashioned ones with the rear facing seats?’ 

I hoped for an approving response but she didn’t seem too impressed.

My job was simply to transport four children safely to the venue, then look after my own small group as we perused the Three Counties Show for the day. 

The show was back on after two cancelled years, the hot weather was causing headlines and I’d cleaned the Volvo specially. This was a big day.

I’d never actually been to the show before, and was secretly excited. 

My plan was to fulfill my duties, look after the kids, have a cheeky local cider, pet an Alpaca and return home with the same exact children that I’d left with. It went sideways quickly.

Upon arrival at the show, I quickly realised it was a much larger venue than I’d anticipated. 

The coach decanted 60 children, and the three cars that followed made the numbers up to close to 80. 

I figured with 80 children, no one would mind that I’d accidentally left one locked in the car. It wasn’t my fault – the girls in the rear facing seats had caused havoc with the following drivers with their hand signals, and to be honest the road rage that followed is worthy of a youtube video on its own. 

I thought they were just waving, but the 4×4 driver behind interpreted things otherwise. 

After I’d calmed him down and told the four young passengers never to repeat any of the words that were exchanged, or to speak of the incident again, I was pretty stressed – so leaving one child locked in the car wasn’t really my fault. Apparently he lost a shoe under the front seat, and got stuck whilst trying to retrieve it. No matter, the sunroof was open and there was plenty of water in the car. 

Once through the gates it was easy for me to hide the fact that I’d already lost a child. I simply took charge, sounded official and lead the way. No one batted an eye lid.

The first real trouble happened in the Goat Enclosure, where I filled in a form wrong and accidentally ended up judging the ‘best Angolan Goat’ competition. 

Ten minutes later I was chased out of the marquee for announcing over the tannoy that ‘I’d seen one goat, so I’d seen ‘em all’, which enraged the mob of Welsh Goat Enthusiasts although it did get a laugh from the audience.

One of the children in my group had expressed a real interest in the Angolan Goats, and said they’d like to take one home. I took this as a personal challenge, and managed to sneak one out of the arena dressed as the child I’d accidentally left locked in the car. 

Thankfully the child in the car had pretty long, curly hair and didn’t speak much, so it was a Win win.

There were further problems in the Bees & Bee Keeping Tent, when the eldest of my group walked squarely into a table, breaking one of the hives and sending bees literally flying. We ducked out of the chaos but in the confusion accidentally won the Best Local Honey award; with a jar of filtered cooking oil that I’d intended to tip into the fuel tank of my volvo. 

It was the perfect colour and beautifully presented, they said. Piece of piss this country show business.

Next up was the Birds Of Prey Display, and I decided to redeem myself by being the perfect guardian of one of the smallest children in the group. She was scared of the Eagle, so I held her hand whilst the show took place. 

After an excellent display of flying from the Owls, Hawks and Falcons, the finale was to see the crowd all lay on the floor whilst the Bald Eagle swooped low over them. 

I figured this was a great opportunity to snag a photo for the school newspaper, so with one hand holding onto the scared small child, I used my other to operate the camera on my iPhone. 

Unfortunately the bird in question must have had bad eyesight, as when it swooped low for the final display it mistook the rapidly flashing light on my iphone as the scurrying legs of a small mammal. Seeing my arm as prey, I quickly hid the phone but it was too late for my nervous young companion. 

I’m told the volunteer search and rescue team were able to get her and the bird safely down from the tree in about an hour, thanks to some quick thinking and an air rifle.

Stressed from the day so far, whilst the teachers found a good spot for lunch, I snuck off to the Perry and Cider tent. Armed with some Dutch courage, I was able to face the afternoon and embrace my failures. Plus, the Angolan Goat that i’d dressed up as a child was being much better behaved than the one locked in the car.

After a break for lunch and ice creams, we moved on to the Severn Area Search and Rescue Stand, which was next to an Army Recruitment Stand and the Local Police. Three children enlisted in the infantry, which was odd because the eldest in our group was only 9. The sergeant said if they could hold the gun then they were good to go, and they passed that test with ease.

Whilst the three older boys completed the paperwork, six kids climbed into a Search and Rescue Hovercraft for a photo. Unfortunately this was the first day of the show, and someone had left the keys in the ignition. The six kids waved us goodbye and disappeared out of the showground, swiftly followed by two Search and Rescue Land Rovers. I’m told they’re confident they will find the hovercraft later tonight with thermal imaging.

We collected the remaining children together, including the Angolan Goat I’d dressed as a child, and made our way back to the coach. It wasn’t just me that was stressed by this point, as the teacher in charge of the visit did a superb job of calming everyone down and forming an orderly line in front of the coach…. 

or should I say A coach. The problem was, it wasn’t the right coach.

At the time of writing the children are all reported to be in fine spirits, making the most of the all inclusive hotel for pensioners in Devon. 

Back at the school, year 3, 4 and 5 all reported their best ever spelling test results thanks to the new average class member age of 83.

We are still waiting for the coach companies to coordinate the swap over, to get the pensioners to their hotel and the children back to school.

I popped briefly into the head mistresses office to thank her for the day and offer my services for the next one, but for some reason she didn’t seem enthusiastic about the idea.

I’ve not yet been asked to return the Angolan Goat.

Thanks for reading.