El Presidente

Your long read…
“El Presidente’”
by Geoff Buys Cars

Sweeping changes gripped the nation on Friday when a newcomer to politics was sworn in to replace the outgoing and disgraced prime minster Boris Johnson. 

Car Enthusiast, Dad, YouTuber and Surfer Geoff Buys Cars had no previous history in politics and didn’t exactly know how the system works, but his argument that ‘none of the recent leaders seemed to either’ was hard to counter.

Upon taking the top job, MrGeoff got to work – first announcing that he wanted to be known as El Presidente and then moving the entire administration team (and therefore the centre of UK leadership) to the Fistral Beach Hotel and opening 10 Downing Street as a homeless shelter.

The fleet of governmental vehicles were all sent back to Jaguar Land Rover and replaced by Volvo 850s, V70 Classics and early Saab 9-5s, complete with a hand written note telling JLR to ‘sort out the quality issues and build cars that last’.

After the new party was established in the South West, the First Lady MrsGeoff got started with education, food and healthcare reform. Many people said she couldn’t handle all three, but she insisted they were all completely interlinked.

Her first move was to ban soft drinks and McDonald’s. People thought this was odd at first, but when they fully understood just how many teaspoons of sugar were in this stuff, and how that sugar is processed by the body, they began to appreciate how diet education is actually directly linked to healthcare spending.

School meals were overhauled with the introduction of free school meals for everyone, which included breakfast and an optional evening dinner. A panel was put in place to find the very best UK farms to supply the very best food to UK schools. It wasn’t cheap, but as MrsGeoff said, if we aren’t investing in the kids, what’s the point?!

Every school in the country was connected with their local National Trust property to ensure every Friday was Outdoor Ed, and Physical Education and Yoga were now daily activities instead of weekly. The new curriculum also included ‘how stuff works’ which encompasses all manner of life skills from money management to marriage to emotions to plumbing to woodwork and conservation and all the basic things that people might need to know to be able to leave school as someone that actually knows some useful things about how life and the world works, and how to function within it as a useful, kind and resourceful human being.

MrGeoff banned phonics on the basis that it might help in early years but stops you being able to spell good in later life.

Whilst MrsGeoff sorted education, nutrition and health, MrGeoff got to work on draining the swamp.

Rishi, Javid and Boris, along with all the other corrupt self-serving swine were hauled before a tribunal to answer questions from a panel of ‘conspiracy theorists’ and experts to explain their actions and policies over the last two years and to finally figure out what the F has been going on.

The results of that are still pending but a vote was taken on the fate of Boris.

The overwhelming decision from the general public (and everyone who knew him) was the only suitable punishment was the stocks. 

Although the stocks hadn’t been used since 1872, Jacob Rees Mogg just happened to have a set in his lounge, so these were borrowed and both Mogg and Johnson were shackled together for a week whilst people travelled from around the country to throw rotten food at the pair. 

Seagulls assembled in droves and the whole scene was disgusting and depraved and peppered with shit – not unlike Johnson’s career.

The automotive world was of course under scrutiny.

Fuel duty was abolished on a trial basis, with ElPresidente saying ‘people need a break’. 

When asked how he would finance this, ElPresident reminded the public that 2021 analysis by the CAAT revealed that the British government financed more than £17 billion worth of weapons to nearly 70% of the world’s worst human rights abuser.

He then banned the sale of arms to any country with a question mark over their ethics.

Car tax was instantly removed for all vehicles pre 2002 or that are ‘quintessential Geoff cars’ whilst the tax rates on ‘gay little SUVs like Nissan Jukes’ were all set at £2500 per year. Further road tax reforms came with the ‘obnoxious show off tax’ which saw the most ostentatious vehicles incurring a £5,000 per year tax hike. This mostly impacted large and tasteless SUVs such as the Audi Q8, Mercedes G Wagon, Range Rover and of course all bmw X cars including the all electric BMW iX (sorry Rich!). No one needs a car that big.

El Presidente is also working on ‘a car is for life not just the three years of your finance deal’ program.

Elsewhere in motoring the ludicrous practice of police wasting time by catching people on e-scooters was removed while all e-scooters became legal, on the proviso that the riders wear helmets. After all, how can one possibly claim to be supporting green transport whilst at the same time outlawing a perfectly sensible form of personal electric travel?!

Another key change came to the motorway system, where Smart Motorways were immediately removed on the first day in office. They’re dangerous and that’s that.

Speed limits would also see an overhaul. On fast stretches of road with excellent safety records, speed limits and cameras were removed entirely – but a change was introduced so causing death by dangerous driving meant life in prison. 

After an initial flurry of high speed incidents, people eventually got used to this and the novelty wore off, and we became a whole lot more German about it.

Drivers speeding through school zones during school hours were visited by the official ‘stop being a massive dick’ team, who punctured all the tyres. The financial impact of replacing four tyres and the inconvenience of it turned out to be a better deterrent than traffic calming.

I’m sure there’s much, much more that a compassionate, driven, ‘real person’ leader could achieve to make life better for ‘real people’.

However I’m also confident that we won’t get that.

The very fact that the important swine have left the pig pen this week isn’t a good thing – it just means they won’t be held accountable and will be replaced by the next self-serving career lunatic in line, who’s probably going to be even worse anyway. 

Politics seems dead and the country is on the verge of collapse. 

The skies are clear and for now, we are still allowed to drive and enjoy our old cars so let’s continue to do so. Don’t worry, I’ll steer clear of politics from now on.